Today has been a lovely day, I mean really I don’t have anything to feel tired about or low about. Yet somehow, at 9:30 at night, I suddenly have the very strong (think pregnancy vibe strong) urge to have the crummiest pizza from the crummiest shop and stuff my face with it.
I don’t really know why.
There are days when my discipline is such that I can resist but today isn’t one of those days.
Am I overtired? Does my body crave something with energy? Do I just want to feel like I’ve treated myself and am I using food as a reward? Is this ringing any bells for you reader?
I don’t think it can be bored. I mean, if I’m honest, sometimes I do find having the children all day a little boring. Not because I don’t love them, I really do, but because I like doing things which interest me.
Bringing your hobbies to your children without making it boring for yourself must be possible but I haven’t quite discovered it yet. It’s something I recognise from childhood - doing things with other people always involves compromise and when you’re really focused on something and you’re really proud of it and doing well - it’s very very hard to share your ideas or your creations.
Back to the pizza.
I’ve decided it’s probably a bit of everything and just a sprinkle of something rebellious. “I don’t care if it’s unhealthy and expensive!”
A bit of grated ‘I am a grown up and I can do what I want-ness.’
The alternative to feeling like my life is run by my children.
It’s just a pizza, but it may as well be a call to wildness! ‘I’m just going to go and get a minivan live in it and drive around the world’
I know it’s just a pizza, but the feeling is ‘I make my own decisions and I have some element of control over my life.’
…and yes, yes I know I made the decisions to get married to have a family and yes, yes all of these people become part of me and therefore I feel the responsibility very deeply because I care deeply about them. But it feels so damn heavy some days.
Perhaps a pizza is not the best way to indulge the freedom vibes. There are much more exciting, fun, feisty ways of feeling free…
…but today a pizza will do and I will enjoy every single rebellious mouthful.
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